Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I want to be a Super Hero

So I don’t care if you are a boy or a girl, but at one point in your life you have wanted to be a super hero.  Go ahead and admit it, we all have.  (To clear the air yes I did see The Avengers and yes my blog topic is influenced by what I have recently experienced in my life) So while watching the Avengers for the second time it made me wonder, hmmm if I was a super hero what would my name be??  I want my name to reflect me as a person, be intimidating but not give away too much as to what my super powers would be.  This is the list of names I have come up with so far: (these are all copy righted material, so don’t steal)

·         The Hyena

o   Super power: kills with comedy

·         Bitc# Pudding

o   Super power: sweet but feisty, throws puddin’ that slows villains down enough for me to yell insults that cause them to cry and run away

·         Smore Pain

o   Super power: throws pipin’ hot marshmallows at people!

·         Slap-A-Hoe

o   Super Power: originally from the Slap-A-Hoe tribe, I will slap-a-hoe, pretty self explanatory

·         Baklava

o   Super Power: has permanent sun burnt peely/flakey skin, able to peel off booboos

·         Red Coaster

o   Super Power: removes the crime rings, get it? Coasters prevent glasses from leaving rings…haha… the red part just makes it sound scarier

·         Black Raven

o   Super Power: can fly and poop marshmallow cream causing villains to be stuck in place

·         Lady Crop Dust

o   Super Power: crop dusts deadly amounts of methane, paralyzing the enemy (I added the lady part to class it up a little bit)

·         Booger Babe

o   Super Power: flicks boogers with deadly accuracy

·         Stealth Paper Cut

o   Super Power: sneaks in while you sleep and paper cut you in between your toes

·         Lethal Lego Lady

o   Super Power: A) everything I build with Legos becomes real or B) I leave them laying around on the floor and turn the lights off, causing the enemy to walk on my Legos…barefooted  (I like both choices)

·         She Shart

o   Super Power: just when you think you are positive what my super power is, something unexpected pops out ;)
These are the name/ super powers I have come up with so far…. There are a lot of really amazing choices here, try to contain your excitement and don’t worry as soon as my comic book hits the shelves I will let you know!  I mean I don’t know about you but all of these strike fear deep down in my heart and gives me chills.  (Apply music) If there’s something strange in your neighborhood who ya gonna call?? (Insert name from list above!) Until next time….

Friday, May 11, 2012

This One Goes Out to all the Mommas

Sunday is yo momma day (if you forgot you might want to get on that) and to honor this yearly celebration I thought this week’s blog would be all about moms.  I shared with my mom that this was going to be the topic for this week and I believe she thinks I am going to embarrass her throughout this whole blog.  First of all I am offended, I don’t make fun of you all the time (just 3/4ths of it) and second I am not going to be just talking about you because as all you southern folks know, southern kids are raised by multiple moms.
When we think about our moms we think of the ladies who taught us how to live as a human being, for example washing clothes, cook biscuits, and match your clothes (I failed here) amongst a bunch of other little things that go over-looked.  I would like to discuss those things our mother’s taught us that we don’t really think about; here is a list of examples:
1.       How to blow your nose, I mean think about it… when your small they do it for you so sooner or later they have to teach you how to
2.       How to go to the bathroom, have we ever thanked them for this one because to me it’s pretty important!
3.       How to dress yourself, like I said my mom (amongst a gaggle of other ladies) tried to teach me this one and I continue to fail
4.       How to put a puzzle together
5.       How to tie your shoes
6.       How to give a high five (dad might have played a hand on this one as well) (haha get it? played a HAND)
7.       How to skate, do people skate anymore? It’s a dying art form
8.       How to groom yourself IE. Fix your hair, brush your teeth, use Q-tips without poking your brain, cut your fingernails
9.       How to dance, well at least move to the music because I can’t dance…neither can my mom… that comment was not offensive because she will agree with me
10.   How to put on make-up (fail) this one only applies to girls and a numbered few guys
11.   How to cook, we would all be starved if  it wasn’t for them and if you can’t cook, they taught you how to work the microwave/ can opener at least
12.   Build a sand castle that your older sibling destroys as soon as you are done
13.   Cross your legs (ladies only and also men who wear short shorts)
14.   Decorate your home…maybe…
15.   How to work the TV changer…. If they taught you how to do it then they wouldn’t have to do it for you aka they could have a moment of zen
16.   Take the pop-tart out of the wrapper BEFORE you put it in the microwave
17.   Don’t pee in the shower
18.   Don’t cut your own hair
19.   Don’t shower and use the hairdryer at the same time
20.   Always wear clean underwear
Now, I would like to take this time to share some of my favorite things that my mom/ moms taught me/ said to me:
1.       “make friends not families”
2.       “pull up your pants”
3.       “this tastes like s#i!” (taught me to admit if something you make tastes like s#**)
4.       “opps! I blew my nose and pooted” (don’t blow your nose when you have one in the chamber)
5.       “chicken touch-your-weenie” ( aka chicken tetrazzini)
6.       “you can’t shower or you will turn to concrete” (me and a friend played in dried concrete powder….)
7.       “don’t let one slip when you think it’s going to be silent because it won’t be” (especially on a marble bench)
8.       “stop beating that boy up”
9.       “I didn’t know you were smart”
10.   “I need some chocolate” (I use this one all the time)
11.   “why can’t you be more like your sister?”
12.   “I brought you into this world and I can take you out!”
13.   “I sharted”
14.   “whats the shocker?”
15.   “whats tea bagging?” (#14 &15 were quite the conversation….)
Well friends, family, countrymen… our mothers are a pretty significant part of our lives (whether they suck or not) (no mom you don’t suck).  Without them, we would be starving, naked, have tons of ear wax built up and boogers all over the place so I guess we owe them a thank you at least once a year.  So, moms of the world thank you for all the big things and little things you taught us to do but more importantly thank you for putting up with our stupidity for our whole lives.  We love you and without you we wouldn’t be here…literally… we wouldn’t be here…. Until next time…

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

From Your Friendly Neighborhood Chef

Dear friends and family,
As many of you know I went to culinary school and if you didn’t know…. now you do.  Now there are a few things that I would like to get off my chest about us chef people, I can only speak on behalf of myself but I know for a fact some of my fellow culinarians would agree.
How to spot a chef:
·         Our pants, when in doubt always look for the classic black and white pants
·         We refer to our fridge at home as a reach in
·         When we are in the grocery store and we are behind someone who is slow, we say “behind”
·         We buy 50# bags of flour
·         We use the # symbol to mean pounds
·         We type our recipes differently than the average cook
·         We get offended when we are called a “cook”
·         We date and label everything in our fridge
·         We treat our knives better then we treat ourselves
·         We are covered with knife and burn scars
·         We drool when we pass a kitchen gadget store
·         When carrying something hot behind someone, we yell out “hot”
·         We go through more hand soap then the average person, which is probably not a good sign for other people
·         Have giant rolls of plastic wrap
·         Use towels instead of oven mitts
Alright, now that we can all recognize a chef a little easier, here are some things that get under our skin as chefs, so we will call this section:
Just because I am a chef:
·         Does not mean I don’t burn food while cooking (burned popcorn a few weeks ago)
·         Does not mean I don’t make mistakes (we all can’t be beef baby’s dad)(I went to school with him and everything he touched was amazing, he could even crop dust past something and it would turn into a masterpiece…. I tried it and my food just tasted like fart)
·         Does not mean I know EVERYTHING about food (surprise… I still struggle telling herbs apart…sometimes....)
·         Does not mean I DVR EVERYTHING on food network (do you enjoy working 8 hours a day in the office then go home and watch TV shows about working in an office?)
·         Does not mean I could compete on Chopped or Iron Chef (have you been to my house to eat? Come over and you will change your mind about me competing)
·         Does not mean I like getting phone calls at 1 AM from someone with a food/ beverage question
·         Does not mean I know how to make everything under the sun (our brains are only so big, some are bigger than others buttt)
·         Does not mean I eat everything God created (we are still allowed to be picky)
·         Does not mean I am against frozen food (ask my man, we eat frozen crap all the time)(I did intentionally use the word crap because most of that stuff tastes like crap)
·         Does not mean I am the best chef in the world (this might be up for debate….alright I am not even close)
I know some of these might come as a shock to you and I am sorry, I should have prepared you for this but I just felt it my duty as a chef to shed some light on our super weird culinary universe.  We are a special breed of people who look like serial killers while we sharpen our knives (we usually have creepy smiles on our face), love tattoos, usually have a potty mouth, awkwardly strong (we lift 50# bags of flour) and have the most comfy work wardrobe to name a few things.  I hope you enjoyed your peek into my chef life and your opinion of “chef me” hasn’t dropped too much. (I can cook I promise!) (seriously…I can cook)  Until next time…..