Dating Advice: Farting Around Each Other

Let’s talk about a very important topic: farting.  Why are people ashamed to admit that they fart?  For example, I don’t understand these couples that don’t fart around each other.  I mean really guys?  I am a firm believer that the whole point of the dating process is to get to know each other, to let everything out (including farting).  I understand there is a certain amount of time that needs to go by before you let one rip in front of your partner (time span differs from couple to couple) but you can’t hold it in forever!  I didn’t go around letting them fly all the time when I was dating my husband, but after the allotted time frame we agreed on, if one slipped it was fine.  How do you establish this time frame you ask?  Number one it depends on the type of people involved, if you are introverted it will take much longer then for someone like me who is very extroverted.  Number 2 honestly I would say you have to test the waters, let one slip one time and see how your significant other reacts.  If they laugh you have broken the barrier and y’all can let them fly but if they give you the stink eye, you might want to wait a while longer.  I would like to offer a few words of caution to my readers:

1.       Don’t let your first fart around them be in front of anyone else, it needs to be just you and them who should experience this milestone together

2.       Don’t let it be a huge one or a baby one, let a medium size one slip, this way you’re not lying to them by letting a squeaker slip out and you don’t want to blow them away on the first time either

3.       DO NOT fart on them for your first time!!  This might of happened to someone I know…. Maybe….

4.       Don’t do it in an enclosed place, like a car or elevator, they need to have access to a fresh air source

5.       Do not fart where it is super-hot, that will intensify the smell, you are not trying to gage their reaction on the smell, save that for another day

I hope this helps those who have been struggling with this sensitive topic.  If this advice does not work for you and it causes a break up, I cannot be held responsible.  Be yourself around your significant other, especially if you think “this is the one”; don’t want to be accused of false advertisement so to speak.  Men, girls fart and no it does NOT smell like roses.  Ladies, its ok to fart around your men they will love you more for it....unless it is super pungent.  Until next time….

Mullet/ Rat Tail Encounter

I am not ashamed to share this experience with y'all but I am ashamed as to where it happened.  Like I said earlier, I will leave all of the names out of this for the safety/ dignity of others.  Yesterday was Sunday so naturally we went to church, and my twin joined us for the service which was nice.  Anyways, we were all sitting together, jamming out to the worship music when I noticed something and I could not tear my eyes away from it!!  I am going to describe this as best as I can…. It was a cross between a mullet and a rat tail, like if they had a baby this would be it but I don’t know what to call it.  A Multail?  A Ratlet?  Well, since we were in church I didn’t know how to react because normally I would share my findings with someone but I didn’t know what to do.  Finally, I turned to my twin and just stared at her and she looked at me and was like “yea I know!  I see it too!  What would you call that??” (This is why we are twins because we know what each other is thinking) Unfortunately, my time of worship was dampened because of said discovery; I was just baffled and couldn’t wrap my mind around what I had found.  This is what it must feel like for archeologists to discover something never seen before by man.  I had to see if this hair “style” had a name so I had to look it up so naturally I went to the soundest source I could find, Urban Dictionary.  Sadly I could not find anything because I didn’t know how to search for something I didn’t know the name of BUT I did find this list of alternative names for mullets.  Defiantly a worthy discovery!!  Here it is:

Ape Drape. Beaver Paddle. Bi - Level. Camero Cut. Buisness in the front, Party in the back. Canadian passport. Coupe Longveuil. El-camino. Hockey hair. Kentucky waterfall. Missouri compromise. Mudflap. Neckwarmer. Ranchero. Shlonc (short + long). Achy-breaky-bad-mistakey. Soccer rocker. Squirrel pelt. Tennessee top hat. Yep-nope.  

 I don’t know about y’all but this made my day!!  I am going to spend the rest of my time at work making up my own alternative names for mullets, you should too!  I will conclude today’s post with interesting mullet facts, until next time…..

·         Captain Planet had a green mullet, I had to look this one up and it was true

·         MacGyver had one but everyone knew that

·         Emo kids have a reverse mullet

·         Chuck Norris, but that’s where his power lies

·         The Hulk had a mullet

·         The bully from Camp Anawana had a ginger mullet

They claim popping your collar is what “killed” the mullet, the long portion would interfere with the collar so they had to choose, I don’t support popped collars but I think they made the right choice

The Incident at the Gym

I have officially been married for 100 days now so that makes me an expert on… nothing.  I got nothing.  I would like to say though, all the things that we heard before we got married like “money is the hardest” or “it’s a learning experience” are ALL TRUE!  I love being married please do not misunderstand me, we are just learning a bunch of new things.  For example, this whole money/ finance business is super dumb and I don’t want to do it anymore!!  We are both very laid back people so there has never been any fighting over anything like this (there probably will be before we die) so we just keep making new ways to attack the bills.  Well, it is my turn to give it an old college try and it really opened my eyes when I sat down and looked at where all the money was going.  I completely agree with whoever told us that we both need to be involved with the finances/ budgeting.  It also makes you think twice before you spend something.  While working my way through the bills and such, I saw that we were paying $53 a month for our gym membership.  I swore to myself that since we are paying that $53 a month I am going to get my $53 worth!!  So I went to the gym this morning at 6:30 and I rolled up in there ready to go!  I decided to get on the bike and do some cardio, there I could zone out and just do my thing.  Well, I got a little over-eager and picked the cardio program (this one changes the intensity until you reach your target heart rate).  I started pedaling and could feel the resistance getting stronger and I just thought this is no problem I could do this for 20 minutes, no sweat.  Well after about 4 minutes and the pedals kept getting harder to pedal I decided to change the program quickly before anyone noticed :x.  I went with the fat burner program which probably sounds harder but it’s not.  I then debated on whether or not to go and do free weights or the weight machines.  I decided to go and use the weight machines I mean how hard can they be right??  I basically jinxed myself.  I went to a machine which I have used before so I busted out 3 sets and decided to move on to one I have never used before. Feeling good and confident,  I adjusted the seat, got comfortable then looked for the diagram to show how to use the machine.  Well the diagram is a hologram…. Who ever thought of this was stupid!  Once sitting in the seat I could see figures #1 and #3 but #2 couldn’t be found.  I pretty much had to turn myself upside down to see the thing and to get it to move, I had to slide back and forth in the chair.  I basically had to do a workout to figure out how to use the thing!  You know as well as I do that people were staring at me trying to figure out what I was doing.  I never really figured out how to use the machine but I had already committed myself and I didn’t want to look like a complete idiot so I made something up.  I put my legs in it and moved them around a little bit, made some faces like I was straining.  I had to do 3 sets of 10 of these “exercises” or else people would think I was a pansy or something. (We both know no one was concerned with me and my workout, I just had to do it… mental block against being a pansy) I am sure the bodybuilder men who were working out across from me knew I was doing it wrong and would have a good laugh at my expense later, which is fine.  Moral of the story, stick with the machines you know how to use at the gym and if you don’t know how to use any, stick with the free weights.  I will say though this will not discourage me from trying again tomorrow I will just steer clear of the hologram machines.  I might not have gotten my $1.71 worth of working out today but at least I gave some people a good laugh (including myself) until next time…….

This is Why.... #1

I decided to create a mini-series that will occur ever so often throughout this blog called “This is Why”.  In this series I will explain why I feel a certain way about things or why things are the way they are.  So today kicks off the first ever “This is Why” series!

This is why sharks are the worst things in the world!  The other night my twin* and I were discussing movies and I mentioned a movie that had a lot of snakes in it.  She explained that she could not watch movies with a lot of snakes in them because they scare the poop out of her.  I shared with her that my mother shares the same extreme fear with snakes, she squeals and jumps around whenever there could possibly be one around.  My biggest fear is the ocean because I feel like you have no control out there and oh yea because of the sharks!  My twin then explains that if you are ever attacked in the ocean by a shark you are supposed to punch it in the face, which I have heard before but I am going to be honest I see a large number of flaws with this.  I mean think about it, say you see a shark swimming up towards you licking its lips:

1)      Is your first thought going to be man I am going to punch that guy right in the nose?  No you are probably peeing yourself while being eaten.

2)      You probably scream underwater, releasing all your air so you are going to have to swim away to get more air, resulting in your demise.

3)      Now say you do think about punching the shark, you really only have 2 chances (you only have 2 arms) You swing a “hard” (to be discussed in #4) punch at the shark but you’re in his element so he swerves and bites your arm off.  You only have one more chance!!  But I am betting that by the time he has snacked on your arm, the blood has attracted his friends/family over so you are screwed!

4)      Alright, as we all know from growing up and running around in the pool, we don’t move as fast in water as we do on land.  I am assuming that since our legs don’t move as fast then our arms wont either.  So, even if Holyfield punches a shark it won’t do as much damage as it would if the shark was on our turf aka land.

So I have come to a conclusion.  When I go to the gym, forget the cardio or the weights, I need to invest in some underwater weights.  Then I can submerge myself underwater to train myself to:

a)      hold my breath for hours

b)      be able to punch a hole in the side wall of the pool

c)       create a tourniquet out of my bathing suit to stop the bleeding if he does bite one of my arms off

Forget preparing for a zombie apocalypse, we are surrounded by water, which basically means the sharks are already circling us, literally!!  This is why sharks/ the ocean are the worst!  On land you can squish spiders or run from snakes but when you are in the ocean you are in their territory!!  Nothing is worse than finding yourself in shark gang turf!  So think carefully before getting into the ocean next time, is it worth all the hours of preparation beforehand so you can properly protect yourself?  I believe my point has been made.  Until next time….

*I decided not to use people’s real names in the blog but you will know who you are when I talk about you.

Why Elly May?

Alright, I have been asked by multiple people “who is this Elly May?” so here is the explanation.  Elly May is a character from the Beverly Hillbillies which was originally a TV show that was later made into a movie.  Long story short, Jed Clampett was a simple country man who lived with his daughter Elly May, his nephew, Jethro and Granny out in the back woods.  He went out hunting one day and shot at a rabbit but the bullet went through the ground resulting in one of the largest oil finds in years.  Well, Jed decides the family needs to up and move to LA so Elly May can learn to become a lady.  (Elly May is very much a tom boy, loves to hunt, fish, wrestle, the list goes on)

‘What does this have to do with her’ you may be asking yourself? Well, here is the story….  Growing up I loved to watch this movie pretty much for obvious reasons, I was a tom boy and so was she.  Anyways, one Sunday our children’s church group took a field trip to a pumpkin patch.  I should mention at this time that I was 6 at the time of this trip.  The regular kids from church were with us while one of the boys had invited a friend to come with him.  These boys were much older than me, I believe they were like in 5^th grade but I am not too sure.  The guy’s friend who came was being such a jerk!!  He was being so mean to everyone, especially my sister and my best friend growing up…. After watching this torment for a few hours I was getting tired of it and I decided that if he did something else he would be knocked down a few.  Well sure enough he thought it would be a good idea to take my friends hat and not give it back, this was it for me!  It was time for him to have a meeting with Jesus!  I ran over, body slammed him and buried his face in the sand while I had him in a headlock.  (Just a reminder, I was 6 while he was 11ish) It took 2 grown men to pull me off of him.  I was very pleased with how I handled the situation but still have to say a little worried as to how my mother would react but it was worth it. I made it back to the church without being spoken to by the chaperones.  Once arriving at the church my mom was informed of the incident and of course she was not very happy.  When my mom confronted me about it, our pastor was standing there at the time.  Honestly, I was more afraid of what he was going to do because I mean come on, he’s the pastor! 

Mom looks down and says “Lorin, girls don’t beat up boys!”

I turn to her and calmly respond “Elly May does”

My pastor and everyone within hearing distance busted out laughing.  Needless to say I was not punished for my choices; apparently the kid was getting on the chaperone’s nerves as well so I was just doing everyone a favor.  After that the nickname just stuck!  I still carry the name with pride J until next time…..

Introduction/ Explanation/ Apology

Welcome to my blog!  I apologize for the delayed post but I thought it would be more dramatic to write my first post as a 25 year old.  (ps if you look up you can planly see the date above claims it is still the 7th, well its wrong i stayed up until 12 am to post this on my actual birthday) I have only been 25 for a few moments but I have to be honest it feels very similar to 24…. actually the same.  You are probably saying to yourself “wow, 25! That’s a big deal! Did she go out and get smashed? Go to a rave? Make an animal sacrifice?” no, I did no such thing.  I actually welcomed in my new age by sitting at home alone, watching Xena (yes the warrior princess and no this is not how I pictured I would be spending my 25^th birthday).  Now, I am sure many of you are laughing at me which is to be expected, actually that is one of the main reasons why I decided to write this blog.  My life and I seem to be a magnet for rather interesting incidents.  All of you who are reading this are either family or friends so you know my mind does not work like a normal person’s.  So I decided this would be a good way to get my thoughts out there, maybe even make you think a little bit about something you would never give the time of day.  For example, have you ever thought about this?   I was watching an episode of the show ‘Lie to Me’ the other day and on the episode one of the scientists was being held hostage and used as a human shield with the gun pointed at her head.  Well at one point the assailant started shooting off in another direction while still holding the hostage, normal people would be thinking ‘wow that sure would be scary.’  What went through my mind in a matter of milla-seconds was wow that would scare the pee out of me, hmm wonder if she is peeing herself? If she is peeing herself wouldn’t it seep through her pants and get on her attacker? I wonder if this has ever happened in real life?  I feel like this is a valid question to be honest but as my brother pointed out, in a real life situation it would probably be inappropriate to ask a victim if they peed themselves while they were being held hostage, it could be considered a sensitive subject.  I guess he has a point.  Anyway, this blog is really going to be a place where people can experience what it would be like to be inside my brain so please read with caution (not for children), bring a snack along and perhaps go to the bathroom beforehand because like I said you will be laughing at my expense very often.  I will discuss everything from what it’s like being a newly wed in an interracial marriage to what I ate for breakfast. I openly welcome your comments/ feedback and please, if you need advice on anything feel free to ask.  Now that I am 25 years old I would love to pass on some of the wisdom I have collected throughout my years on this earth.  I cannot guarantee my advice is good but I can guarantee it will be……creative.  I am excited to share my life journey with whoever decides they are bored enough to read this, so please tell your friends J  until next time….