Friday, May 11, 2012

This One Goes Out to all the Mommas

Sunday is yo momma day (if you forgot you might want to get on that) and to honor this yearly celebration I thought this week’s blog would be all about moms.  I shared with my mom that this was going to be the topic for this week and I believe she thinks I am going to embarrass her throughout this whole blog.  First of all I am offended, I don’t make fun of you all the time (just 3/4ths of it) and second I am not going to be just talking about you because as all you southern folks know, southern kids are raised by multiple moms.
When we think about our moms we think of the ladies who taught us how to live as a human being, for example washing clothes, cook biscuits, and match your clothes (I failed here) amongst a bunch of other little things that go over-looked.  I would like to discuss those things our mother’s taught us that we don’t really think about; here is a list of examples:
1.       How to blow your nose, I mean think about it… when your small they do it for you so sooner or later they have to teach you how to
2.       How to go to the bathroom, have we ever thanked them for this one because to me it’s pretty important!
3.       How to dress yourself, like I said my mom (amongst a gaggle of other ladies) tried to teach me this one and I continue to fail
4.       How to put a puzzle together
5.       How to tie your shoes
6.       How to give a high five (dad might have played a hand on this one as well) (haha get it? played a HAND)
7.       How to skate, do people skate anymore? It’s a dying art form
8.       How to groom yourself IE. Fix your hair, brush your teeth, use Q-tips without poking your brain, cut your fingernails
9.       How to dance, well at least move to the music because I can’t dance…neither can my mom… that comment was not offensive because she will agree with me
10.   How to put on make-up (fail) this one only applies to girls and a numbered few guys
11.   How to cook, we would all be starved if  it wasn’t for them and if you can’t cook, they taught you how to work the microwave/ can opener at least
12.   Build a sand castle that your older sibling destroys as soon as you are done
13.   Cross your legs (ladies only and also men who wear short shorts)
14.   Decorate your home…maybe…
15.   How to work the TV changer…. If they taught you how to do it then they wouldn’t have to do it for you aka they could have a moment of zen
16.   Take the pop-tart out of the wrapper BEFORE you put it in the microwave
17.   Don’t pee in the shower
18.   Don’t cut your own hair
19.   Don’t shower and use the hairdryer at the same time
20.   Always wear clean underwear
Now, I would like to take this time to share some of my favorite things that my mom/ moms taught me/ said to me:
1.       “make friends not families”
2.       “pull up your pants”
3.       “this tastes like s#i!” (taught me to admit if something you make tastes like s#**)
4.       “opps! I blew my nose and pooted” (don’t blow your nose when you have one in the chamber)
5.       “chicken touch-your-weenie” ( aka chicken tetrazzini)
6.       “you can’t shower or you will turn to concrete” (me and a friend played in dried concrete powder….)
7.       “don’t let one slip when you think it’s going to be silent because it won’t be” (especially on a marble bench)
8.       “stop beating that boy up”
9.       “I didn’t know you were smart”
10.   “I need some chocolate” (I use this one all the time)
11.   “why can’t you be more like your sister?”
12.   “I brought you into this world and I can take you out!”
13.   “I sharted”
14.   “whats the shocker?”
15.   “whats tea bagging?” (#14 &15 were quite the conversation….)
Well friends, family, countrymen… our mothers are a pretty significant part of our lives (whether they suck or not) (no mom you don’t suck).  Without them, we would be starving, naked, have tons of ear wax built up and boogers all over the place so I guess we owe them a thank you at least once a year.  So, moms of the world thank you for all the big things and little things you taught us to do but more importantly thank you for putting up with our stupidity for our whole lives.  We love you and without you we wouldn’t be here…literally… we wouldn’t be here…. Until next time…

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