Natural Lady Defenses

So I was sitting here at work, playing a game on my iPad (aka busy at work) when I reached down to scratch my leg and I discovered something, my legs are hairy.  I started thinking I should  have shaved my legs BEFORE wearing shorts today but then I thought why should I?  Honestly, no one should be close enough to know if I have shaved or not except my hubby who is not here, so why should I shave?  Then it hit me and ladies this is huge!  Just think about it, God gave us hairy legs, it's a fact, I like to think its extra insulation for the winter months ( or thats what I tell myself) but society told us we have to shave so we shave.  Why do we shave? Well it's just nicer, I even enjoy it when I have clean shaven legs, I mean who enjoys getting into a bed with freshly washed sheets, you slide in starting to drift off to imagination land when you shift your legs and all your legs hairs pop through the baby holes in the sheets?  Not a very nice feeling and not really sexy, let's be real.  So this is the. Inclusion I have come to: we shave to get the fellows and once we get then, we slack off a little (not completely) but when our men are away ladies I say let the hair fly!  Seriously it's a natural God given defense system!  Who would wanna flirt with a girl with as much leg hair as your dad? I mean I guess some people are into that........ Think about it, God has given us ladies some ways to be left alone, society will say they are imperfections but embrace them!  Here is a list of natural defense systems God has gifted us with:
1) hairy legs
2) morning breathe ( no smoochies)
3) bed head
4) crop dusting ( works every time)
5) PMS ( work it girls)
6) arm pit hair
7) food in your teeth ( leave it in and be left alone)
8) don't bathe ( sounds so simple and yet so effective)
9) when you have to sneeze, sneeze on your admirer
10) really dig in when you have a wedgie
11) don't pluck your eyebrows
12) don't wear deodorant (smell is a big thing)

Alright, I know I went a little overboard here, some of these things men can do as well but sometimes it is more surprising when women do it (like hairy arm pits).  So ladies, when you are going out with the ladies and you just wanna be left alone by all the fellas ( and they will come because let's face it, your hot) I would choose one of these tactics.  I can pretty much guarantee each one of these personally!  Sometimes when you do these so often and you get lost in the crowd, when you really put in effort and clean up, you get the WOW factor which is worth it! (trust me, I am experienced).  Until next time......

I want to be a Super Hero

So I don’t care if you are a boy or a girl, but at one point in your life you have wanted to be a super hero.  Go ahead and admit it, we all have.  (To clear the air yes I did see The Avengers and yes my blog topic is influenced by what I have recently experienced in my life) So while watching the Avengers for the second time it made me wonder, hmmm if I was a super hero what would my name be??  I want my name to reflect me as a person, be intimidating but not give away too much as to what my super powers would be.  This is the list of names I have come up with so far: (these are all copy righted material, so don’t steal)

·         The Hyena

o   Super power: kills with comedy

·         Bitc# Pudding

o   Super power: sweet but feisty, throws puddin’ that slows villains down enough for me to yell insults that cause them to cry and run away

·         Smore Pain

o   Super power: throws pipin’ hot marshmallows at people!

·         Slap-A-Hoe

o   Super Power: originally from the Slap-A-Hoe tribe, I will slap-a-hoe, pretty self explanatory

·         Baklava

o   Super Power: has permanent sun burnt peely/flakey skin, able to peel off booboos

·         Red Coaster

o   Super Power: removes the crime rings, get it? Coasters prevent glasses from leaving rings…haha… the red part just makes it sound scarier

·         Black Raven

o   Super Power: can fly and poop marshmallow cream causing villains to be stuck in place

·         Lady Crop Dust

o   Super Power: crop dusts deadly amounts of methane, paralyzing the enemy (I added the lady part to class it up a little bit)

·         Booger Babe

o   Super Power: flicks boogers with deadly accuracy

·         Stealth Paper Cut

o   Super Power: sneaks in while you sleep and paper cut you in between your toes

·         Lethal Lego Lady

o   Super Power: A) everything I build with Legos becomes real or B) I leave them laying around on the floor and turn the lights off, causing the enemy to walk on my Legos…barefooted  (I like both choices)

·         She Shart

o   Super Power: just when you think you are positive what my super power is, something unexpected pops out ;)

These are the name/ super powers I have come up with so far…. There are a lot of really amazing choices here, try to contain your excitement and don’t worry as soon as my comic book hits the shelves I will let you know!  I mean I don’t know about you but all of these strike fear deep down in my heart and gives me chills.  (Apply music) If there’s something strange in your neighborhood who ya gonna call?? (Insert name from list above!) Until next time….

This One Goes Out to all the Mommas

Sunday is yo momma day (if you forgot you might want to get on that) and to honor this yearly celebration I thought this week’s blog would be all about moms.  I shared with my mom that this was going to be the topic for this week and I believe she thinks I am going to embarrass her throughout this whole blog.  First of all I am offended, I don’t make fun of you all the time (just 3/4ths of it) and second I am not going to be just talking about you because as all you southern folks know, southern kids are raised by multiple moms.

When we think about our moms we think of the ladies who taught us how to live as a human being, for example washing clothes, cook biscuits, and match your clothes (I failed here) amongst a bunch of other little things that go over-looked.  I would like to discuss those things our mother’s taught us that we don’t really think about; here is a list of examples:

1.       How to blow your nose, I mean think about it… when your small they do it for you so sooner or later they have to teach you how to

2.       How to go to the bathroom, have we ever thanked them for this one because to me it’s pretty important!

3.       How to dress yourself, like I said my mom (amongst a gaggle of other ladies) tried to teach me this one and I continue to fail

4.       How to put a puzzle together

5.       How to tie your shoes

6.       How to give a high five (dad might have played a hand on this one as well) (haha get it? played a HAND)

7.       How to skate, do people skate anymore? It’s a dying art form

8.       How to groom yourself IE. Fix your hair, brush your teeth, use Q-tips without poking your brain, cut your fingernails

9.       How to dance, well at least move to the music because I can’t dance…neither can my mom… that comment was not offensive because she will agree with me

10.   How to put on make-up (fail) this one only applies to girls and a numbered few guys

11.   How to cook, we would all be starved if  it wasn’t for them and if you can’t cook, they taught you how to work the microwave/ can opener at least

12.   Build a sand castle that your older sibling destroys as soon as you are done

13.   Cross your legs (ladies only and also men who wear short shorts)

14.   Decorate your home…maybe…

15.   How to work the TV changer…. If they taught you how to do it then they wouldn’t have to do it for you aka they could have a moment of zen

16.   Take the pop-tart out of the wrapper BEFORE you put it in the microwave

17.   Don’t pee in the shower

18.   Don’t cut your own hair

19.   Don’t shower and use the hairdryer at the same time

20.   Always wear clean underwear

Now, I would like to take this time to share some of my favorite things that my mom/ moms taught me/ said to me:

1.       “make friends not families”

2.       “pull up your pants”

3.       “this tastes like s#i!” (taught me to admit if something you make tastes like s#**)

4.       “opps! I blew my nose and pooted” (don’t blow your nose when you have one in the chamber)

5.       “chicken touch-your-weenie” ( aka chicken tetrazzini)

6.       “you can’t shower or you will turn to concrete” (me and a friend played in dried concrete powder….)

7.       “don’t let one slip when you think it’s going to be silent because it won’t be” (especially on a marble bench)

8.       “stop beating that boy up”

9.       “I didn’t know you were smart”

10.   “I need some chocolate” (I use this one all the time)

11.   “why can’t you be more like your sister?”

12.   “I brought you into this world and I can take you out!”

13.   “I sharted”

14.   “whats the shocker?”

15.   “whats tea bagging?” (#14 &15 were quite the conversation….)

Well friends, family, countrymen… our mothers are a pretty significant part of our lives (whether they suck or not) (no mom you don’t suck).  Without them, we would be starving, naked, have tons of ear wax built up and boogers all over the place so I guess we owe them a thank you at least once a year.  So, moms of the world thank you for all the big things and little things you taught us to do but more importantly thank you for putting up with our stupidity for our whole lives.  We love you and without you we wouldn’t be here…literally… we wouldn’t be here…. Until next time…

From Your Friendly Neighborhood Chef

Dear friends and family,

As many of you know I went to culinary school and if you didn’t know…. now you do.  Now there are a few things that I would like to get off my chest about us chef people, I can only speak on behalf of myself but I know for a fact some of my fellow culinarians would agree.

How to spot a chef:

·         Our pants, when in doubt always look for the classic black and white pants

·         We refer to our fridge at home as a reach in

·         When we are in the grocery store and we are behind someone who is slow, we say “behind”

·         We buy 50# bags of flour

·         We use the # symbol to mean pounds

·         We type our recipes differently than the average cook

·         We get offended when we are called a “cook”

·         We date and label everything in our fridge

·         We treat our knives better then we treat ourselves

·         We are covered with knife and burn scars

·         We drool when we pass a kitchen gadget store

·         When carrying something hot behind someone, we yell out “hot”

·         We go through more hand soap then the average person, which is probably not a good sign for other people

·         Have giant rolls of plastic wrap

·         Use towels instead of oven mitts

Alright, now that we can all recognize a chef a little easier, here are some things that get under our skin as chefs, so we will call this section:

Just because I am a chef:

·         Does not mean I don’t burn food while cooking (burned popcorn a few weeks ago)

·         Does not mean I don’t make mistakes (we all can’t be beef baby’s dad)(I went to school with him and everything he touched was amazing, he could even crop dust past something and it would turn into a masterpiece…. I tried it and my food just tasted like fart)

·         Does not mean I know EVERYTHING about food (surprise… I still struggle telling herbs apart…sometimes....)

·         Does not mean I DVR EVERYTHING on food network (do you enjoy working 8 hours a day in the office then go home and watch TV shows about working in an office?)

·         Does not mean I could compete on Chopped or Iron Chef (have you been to my house to eat? Come over and you will change your mind about me competing)

·         Does not mean I like getting phone calls at 1 AM from someone with a food/ beverage question

·         Does not mean I know how to make everything under the sun (our brains are only so big, some are bigger than others buttt)

·         Does not mean I eat everything God created (we are still allowed to be picky)

·         Does not mean I am against frozen food (ask my man, we eat frozen crap all the time)(I did intentionally use the word crap because most of that stuff tastes like crap)

·         Does not mean I am the best chef in the world (this might be up for debate….alright I am not even close)

I know some of these might come as a shock to you and I am sorry, I should have prepared you for this but I just felt it my duty as a chef to shed some light on our super weird culinary universe.  We are a special breed of people who look like serial killers while we sharpen our knives (we usually have creepy smiles on our face), love tattoos, usually have a potty mouth, awkwardly strong (we lift 50# bags of flour) and have the most comfy work wardrobe to name a few things.  I hope you enjoyed your peek into my chef life and your opinion of “chef me” hasn’t dropped too much. (I can cook I promise!) (seriously…I can cook)  Until next time…..

Dirty Dishes

So I have to apologize for not writing for about a month and a half…. I felt like I didn’t have anything super awesome to write about and I didn’t want to write something half “butt” (got to keep it clean for the kids) so I waited until something really jumped out.  Well, I think I have got that topic right here but I feel like I should fill you in on what has happened to me since I last posted… I will do this in 25 words or less! Here we go:

Asheville, bar hoping, eating, pee in friends bed (not me), Jew dinner, horse radish, lady time, Hunger Games again, cake drama, book “writing”, dream job?, flash mob

If you would like to know more about these events, just ask! I shall explain!

Alright, people have always told me I should have a show (be it radio or TV) because apparently I am “interesting to listen to”.  I have taken this as a complement, I mean I enjoy listening to myself, so if you ever come over and find me talking to myself don’t worry about it, it happens.  Well, me and my sister were talking yesterday and we finally decided on what kind of show I should have, wait for it… a late night cooking show! Blam!

Let me explain, the show would be called Dirty Dishes for multiple reasons but the main reason is that on my show it would be acceptable/ expected to discuss taboo topics like wieners and boobs, ya know those type things.  This is where I would like to reinforce the fact that this show is for late night TV, not for the kiddies.  Here is what I was thinking, I would have some celebrity on the show and we would discuss anything from what’s happening in their career to how they feel about picking wedgies in public.  Now my show would be different than other “gossip” cooking shows because I would ask the questions that people really want to know (like would they rather sweat green slime or fart blue smoke?), plus while we were chatting and cooking, we would also be having a few drinks so throughout the show the truth would come out eventually. 

I think this would pull a large audience because it would be a mix of Ellen, Chelsea Latley and food…. Can’t get any better then that right??  How many of yall would watch it?? Don’t lie, you know you would love too!!  So does anyone have any ideas on how to get this started??  Anyone want to sponsor me?  It would be a great investment!  Think about it… until next time….

VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Breaking News!!! Now before I reveal my big news, I would like to say a few things.  I have put a lot of time and thought into this, been working on it for about a year putting things together and keeping it on the down-low.  I know some people say that they are just a magnet for random weird things happening to them but I am defiantly a magnet for this kind of stuff!  If you really know me I am sure you are flipping through a bunch of things that you have witnessed or heard about over the time we have known each other.  I have experienced some crazy things in my 25 years here on this earth and I decided I wanted to share this with people.  I mean when I tell these stories to people they enjoy them a lot so I thought, why not write a book containing all my stories.  So ladies and gentleman, I am going to write a book!!  I have been putting a lot of stuff together over the past year but I want to get other people’s opinions too.  So this is where you all come in!  If there is a story that you think should be included please send it to me!  I have tons of stories so I am afraid I might have left some out so please send me some of your favorites.  I hope you guys are as excited about this as I am, it’s going to take a while to put everything together so bear with me but if this does well, I won’t forget everyone who helped!  So please send me some stories either over Facebook, email, snail mail, however you need to get it to me!  Also, if we have some crazy pictures together please send those too, sometimes you need a picture to help move the story alongJ.  I really need your help guys!  Thanks in advance for the stories!!  Until next time… 

Southern Belle 2012

I recently read an article about what it means to be a southern belle now compared to what it was back in the day.

(http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fgardenandgun.com%2Farticle%2Fsouthern-women&h=aAQFPG81j) (Original article)

I just had a few things I would like to add to this article.  I know I am not what anyone would consider a southern “belle” but I am a southern girl so I feel like I am allowed to share my opinions.  We southern people are a proud bunch!  I LOVE the fact that I am southern for multiple reasons:: Cough Cough:: Bojangles  ::Cough Cough::  home cooked meals, recipes passed down from before anyone can remember, family traditions, antiques and the list goes on!  There is just something about sitting down with your family at the dinner table every night and eating the made from scratch chicken pot pie your mom made, nothing can top it.  I honestly feel bad for people who don’t grow up down here; they don’t get to feel the special southern feeling that I can’t seem to find the words to describe.

Now, back in the day when people would talk about Southern belles the first thing that would come to people’s minds would be ball gowns, fancy (big) hair, painted nails, house wife and beauty queens.  I think it goes without saying but I would not have been able to survive in these kinds of conditions!  My mom would have killed me. 

Now I completely agree with this article, things have defiantly changed (which for ladies like me is awesome).  Here are some changes I have noticed:

1.       Take out ball gowns and add in overalls and camo, look around a lot of super southern ladies wear whatever is comfy for them, and we can’t go hunting in dresses now can we? Well we could but…

2.       We carry guns!!!  It’s not just the men who have gun racks in the back of their trucks, ask my cousin the bear killer

3.       We drive big a$$ trucks too, helps us run people over for the sales

4.       We still cook, but I feel like we don’t just stick to our old family recipes we like to add our own

5.       We speak our mind, even around our men… actually probably around our men more than anyone else

6.       We still gossip we just call it prayer requests

7.       A lot of us work full time after we have kids, along with taking care of the kids/ house

8.       Our hair isn’t as big and we don’t wear hats as often (which kind of makes me sad…the hats part)

9.       Couponing! 

10.   We don’t make clothes anymore L I wish we did it sure would save some money!

11.   Don’t wear gloves

12.   We beat our kids, well I mean don’t beat but we punish and sometimes in public with the eagle talon….

13.   We fart and burp… a lot…. Well this varies from person to person but we aren’t embarrassed when it happen (most of us) we brag about it!

The major things are still intact like hospitality and things… but the southern belle has gone through a transformation!  We adapt with the times but no matter how many trees we climb or guns we shoot, there will always be a little belle inside of all of us J until next time….