Tuesday, May 1, 2012

From Your Friendly Neighborhood Chef

Dear friends and family,
As many of you know I went to culinary school and if you didn’t know…. now you do.  Now there are a few things that I would like to get off my chest about us chef people, I can only speak on behalf of myself but I know for a fact some of my fellow culinarians would agree.
How to spot a chef:
·         Our pants, when in doubt always look for the classic black and white pants
·         We refer to our fridge at home as a reach in
·         When we are in the grocery store and we are behind someone who is slow, we say “behind”
·         We buy 50# bags of flour
·         We use the # symbol to mean pounds
·         We type our recipes differently than the average cook
·         We get offended when we are called a “cook”
·         We date and label everything in our fridge
·         We treat our knives better then we treat ourselves
·         We are covered with knife and burn scars
·         We drool when we pass a kitchen gadget store
·         When carrying something hot behind someone, we yell out “hot”
·         We go through more hand soap then the average person, which is probably not a good sign for other people
·         Have giant rolls of plastic wrap
·         Use towels instead of oven mitts
Alright, now that we can all recognize a chef a little easier, here are some things that get under our skin as chefs, so we will call this section:
Just because I am a chef:
·         Does not mean I don’t burn food while cooking (burned popcorn a few weeks ago)
·         Does not mean I don’t make mistakes (we all can’t be beef baby’s dad)(I went to school with him and everything he touched was amazing, he could even crop dust past something and it would turn into a masterpiece…. I tried it and my food just tasted like fart)
·         Does not mean I know EVERYTHING about food (surprise… I still struggle telling herbs apart…sometimes....)
·         Does not mean I DVR EVERYTHING on food network (do you enjoy working 8 hours a day in the office then go home and watch TV shows about working in an office?)
·         Does not mean I could compete on Chopped or Iron Chef (have you been to my house to eat? Come over and you will change your mind about me competing)
·         Does not mean I like getting phone calls at 1 AM from someone with a food/ beverage question
·         Does not mean I know how to make everything under the sun (our brains are only so big, some are bigger than others buttt)
·         Does not mean I eat everything God created (we are still allowed to be picky)
·         Does not mean I am against frozen food (ask my man, we eat frozen crap all the time)(I did intentionally use the word crap because most of that stuff tastes like crap)
·         Does not mean I am the best chef in the world (this might be up for debate….alright I am not even close)
I know some of these might come as a shock to you and I am sorry, I should have prepared you for this but I just felt it my duty as a chef to shed some light on our super weird culinary universe.  We are a special breed of people who look like serial killers while we sharpen our knives (we usually have creepy smiles on our face), love tattoos, usually have a potty mouth, awkwardly strong (we lift 50# bags of flour) and have the most comfy work wardrobe to name a few things.  I hope you enjoyed your peek into my chef life and your opinion of “chef me” hasn’t dropped too much. (I can cook I promise!) (seriously…I can cook)  Until next time…..

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