From Your Friendly Neighborhood Chef

Dear friends and family,

As many of you know I went to culinary school and if you didn’t know…. now you do.  Now there are a few things that I would like to get off my chest about us chef people, I can only speak on behalf of myself but I know for a fact some of my fellow culinarians would agree.

How to spot a chef:

·         Our pants, when in doubt always look for the classic black and white pants

·         We refer to our fridge at home as a reach in

·         When we are in the grocery store and we are behind someone who is slow, we say “behind”

·         We buy 50# bags of flour

·         We use the # symbol to mean pounds

·         We type our recipes differently than the average cook

·         We get offended when we are called a “cook”

·         We date and label everything in our fridge

·         We treat our knives better then we treat ourselves

·         We are covered with knife and burn scars

·         We drool when we pass a kitchen gadget store

·         When carrying something hot behind someone, we yell out “hot”

·         We go through more hand soap then the average person, which is probably not a good sign for other people

·         Have giant rolls of plastic wrap

·         Use towels instead of oven mitts

Alright, now that we can all recognize a chef a little easier, here are some things that get under our skin as chefs, so we will call this section:

Just because I am a chef:

·         Does not mean I don’t burn food while cooking (burned popcorn a few weeks ago)

·         Does not mean I don’t make mistakes (we all can’t be beef baby’s dad)(I went to school with him and everything he touched was amazing, he could even crop dust past something and it would turn into a masterpiece…. I tried it and my food just tasted like fart)

·         Does not mean I know EVERYTHING about food (surprise… I still struggle telling herbs apart…sometimes....)

·         Does not mean I DVR EVERYTHING on food network (do you enjoy working 8 hours a day in the office then go home and watch TV shows about working in an office?)

·         Does not mean I could compete on Chopped or Iron Chef (have you been to my house to eat? Come over and you will change your mind about me competing)

·         Does not mean I like getting phone calls at 1 AM from someone with a food/ beverage question

·         Does not mean I know how to make everything under the sun (our brains are only so big, some are bigger than others buttt)

·         Does not mean I eat everything God created (we are still allowed to be picky)

·         Does not mean I am against frozen food (ask my man, we eat frozen crap all the time)(I did intentionally use the word crap because most of that stuff tastes like crap)

·         Does not mean I am the best chef in the world (this might be up for debate….alright I am not even close)

I know some of these might come as a shock to you and I am sorry, I should have prepared you for this but I just felt it my duty as a chef to shed some light on our super weird culinary universe.  We are a special breed of people who look like serial killers while we sharpen our knives (we usually have creepy smiles on our face), love tattoos, usually have a potty mouth, awkwardly strong (we lift 50# bags of flour) and have the most comfy work wardrobe to name a few things.  I hope you enjoyed your peek into my chef life and your opinion of “chef me” hasn’t dropped too much. (I can cook I promise!) (seriously…I can cook)  Until next time…..

Dirty Dishes

So I have to apologize for not writing for about a month and a half…. I felt like I didn’t have anything super awesome to write about and I didn’t want to write something half “butt” (got to keep it clean for the kids) so I waited until something really jumped out.  Well, I think I have got that topic right here but I feel like I should fill you in on what has happened to me since I last posted… I will do this in 25 words or less! Here we go:

Asheville, bar hoping, eating, pee in friends bed (not me), Jew dinner, horse radish, lady time, Hunger Games again, cake drama, book “writing”, dream job?, flash mob

If you would like to know more about these events, just ask! I shall explain!

Alright, people have always told me I should have a show (be it radio or TV) because apparently I am “interesting to listen to”.  I have taken this as a complement, I mean I enjoy listening to myself, so if you ever come over and find me talking to myself don’t worry about it, it happens.  Well, me and my sister were talking yesterday and we finally decided on what kind of show I should have, wait for it… a late night cooking show! Blam!

Let me explain, the show would be called Dirty Dishes for multiple reasons but the main reason is that on my show it would be acceptable/ expected to discuss taboo topics like wieners and boobs, ya know those type things.  This is where I would like to reinforce the fact that this show is for late night TV, not for the kiddies.  Here is what I was thinking, I would have some celebrity on the show and we would discuss anything from what’s happening in their career to how they feel about picking wedgies in public.  Now my show would be different than other “gossip” cooking shows because I would ask the questions that people really want to know (like would they rather sweat green slime or fart blue smoke?), plus while we were chatting and cooking, we would also be having a few drinks so throughout the show the truth would come out eventually. 

I think this would pull a large audience because it would be a mix of Ellen, Chelsea Latley and food…. Can’t get any better then that right??  How many of yall would watch it?? Don’t lie, you know you would love too!!  So does anyone have any ideas on how to get this started??  Anyone want to sponsor me?  It would be a great investment!  Think about it… until next time….

VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Breaking News!!! Now before I reveal my big news, I would like to say a few things.  I have put a lot of time and thought into this, been working on it for about a year putting things together and keeping it on the down-low.  I know some people say that they are just a magnet for random weird things happening to them but I am defiantly a magnet for this kind of stuff!  If you really know me I am sure you are flipping through a bunch of things that you have witnessed or heard about over the time we have known each other.  I have experienced some crazy things in my 25 years here on this earth and I decided I wanted to share this with people.  I mean when I tell these stories to people they enjoy them a lot so I thought, why not write a book containing all my stories.  So ladies and gentleman, I am going to write a book!!  I have been putting a lot of stuff together over the past year but I want to get other people’s opinions too.  So this is where you all come in!  If there is a story that you think should be included please send it to me!  I have tons of stories so I am afraid I might have left some out so please send me some of your favorites.  I hope you guys are as excited about this as I am, it’s going to take a while to put everything together so bear with me but if this does well, I won’t forget everyone who helped!  So please send me some stories either over Facebook, email, snail mail, however you need to get it to me!  Also, if we have some crazy pictures together please send those too, sometimes you need a picture to help move the story alongJ.  I really need your help guys!  Thanks in advance for the stories!!  Until next time… 

Southern Belle 2012

I recently read an article about what it means to be a southern belle now compared to what it was back in the day.

(http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fgardenandgun.com%2Farticle%2Fsouthern-women&h=aAQFPG81j) (Original article)

I just had a few things I would like to add to this article.  I know I am not what anyone would consider a southern “belle” but I am a southern girl so I feel like I am allowed to share my opinions.  We southern people are a proud bunch!  I LOVE the fact that I am southern for multiple reasons:: Cough Cough:: Bojangles  ::Cough Cough::  home cooked meals, recipes passed down from before anyone can remember, family traditions, antiques and the list goes on!  There is just something about sitting down with your family at the dinner table every night and eating the made from scratch chicken pot pie your mom made, nothing can top it.  I honestly feel bad for people who don’t grow up down here; they don’t get to feel the special southern feeling that I can’t seem to find the words to describe.

Now, back in the day when people would talk about Southern belles the first thing that would come to people’s minds would be ball gowns, fancy (big) hair, painted nails, house wife and beauty queens.  I think it goes without saying but I would not have been able to survive in these kinds of conditions!  My mom would have killed me. 

Now I completely agree with this article, things have defiantly changed (which for ladies like me is awesome).  Here are some changes I have noticed:

1.       Take out ball gowns and add in overalls and camo, look around a lot of super southern ladies wear whatever is comfy for them, and we can’t go hunting in dresses now can we? Well we could but…

2.       We carry guns!!!  It’s not just the men who have gun racks in the back of their trucks, ask my cousin the bear killer

3.       We drive big a$$ trucks too, helps us run people over for the sales

4.       We still cook, but I feel like we don’t just stick to our old family recipes we like to add our own

5.       We speak our mind, even around our men… actually probably around our men more than anyone else

6.       We still gossip we just call it prayer requests

7.       A lot of us work full time after we have kids, along with taking care of the kids/ house

8.       Our hair isn’t as big and we don’t wear hats as often (which kind of makes me sad…the hats part)

9.       Couponing! 

10.   We don’t make clothes anymore L I wish we did it sure would save some money!

11.   Don’t wear gloves

12.   We beat our kids, well I mean don’t beat but we punish and sometimes in public with the eagle talon….

13.   We fart and burp… a lot…. Well this varies from person to person but we aren’t embarrassed when it happen (most of us) we brag about it!

The major things are still intact like hospitality and things… but the southern belle has gone through a transformation!  We adapt with the times but no matter how many trees we climb or guns we shoot, there will always be a little belle inside of all of us J until next time….

This One Goes Out To All My Ladies

**Warning for the men- this blog will discuss some lady only topics, I am not saying you can’t read it I am just saying prepare yourself**

Alright ladies there are some things I need to get off my chest and yes this is in regards to everyone’s favorite time of the month, ladies time.  Now in my household we do not refer to it by its real name because that’s gross we call it ladies time.  We also do not refer to the ‘items by their real name either we mostly call those push pops (my husband invented that) but I have also heard them referred to as plungers, pooter plugs (this one is not accurate) mense mops, plug in, cotton pony, roadblock, rat-tail, vaginal vampires (lol), pig in a blanket, manhole covers, pink pop tarts, and the red carpet.  I personally think it is way more fun to call it something else then the obvious but then again I am 2 years old.  The whole reasoning behind this blog though was I noticed something the other day when I was cleaning out my bathroom cabinet, there are motivational sayings written on the outside wrapper of my push pops, seriously I am not kidding.  I don’t know why anyone would choose to write something there, we don’t buy them to read our fortune but after making this discovery I emptied the box onto the floor so I could read everything they had to say.  I found things like smile, life is a sport, always take the high road and shoot for the stars.  I feel bad for the marketing people who have had to stoop to the level of writing the quips for the tampon wrappers, times ARE hard!  Also, I would like to discuss another kind of wrapper I believe they are Kotex ones but those wrappers are like fluorescent bright colors!  Like the colors you would wear to the bowling alley on the nights they have the black lights on!  I mean come on really?  I don’t want the whole office to know I am on my ladies time because I don’t care what color pants you are wearing those colors will shine through anything!  Maybe the marketing team thought they would look like glow sticks or something but they failed!  Heres the deal, everyone knows about ladies time and we have all accepted it but nobody wants/ needs to know when it’s your ladies time because you are carrying a glow stick with you to the bathroom.  The best part about the glow stick plungers is that they are the small concealed kind, you know the ones where they are half the size so you can hide them in your pocket better…well ya failed design team because they might fit in your pocket better but the super bright colors might give them away. 

Men, why is it so terrifying to you to touch or even talk about lady items?  I asked my husband before we got married if I was at home sick or something and I needed some supplies if he would go to the store for me and you know what he said? He said he would text one of my lady friends to go get them for me.  Then I asked what was he going to do when our 13 year old daughter needed to go to the store for some, he replied he would pull up to the target and push her out of the car to go get some.  I don’t really understand why they are so afraid of them.  One time on a mission trip the boys snuck into our room and switched off our circuit breakers, well we went into their room and silly stringed all their stuff.  We knew they were going to retaliate so we decided to booby trap our room and we took all of our feminine supplies and threw them all over the room and man did it work!  The next time we saw them it was like they had seen a ghost!  Works every time!  So girls if there is only 1 cookie left and you don’t want your man to eat it just place it on a pad and you are golden!  Until next time…..

Red Headed Fail

Have you ever hyped something up so much and then when time came to reveal your surprise, it was a flop?  My old roomie threw a party for her birthday and it was a themed party, dress as your favorite red head.  You could be a movie character, cartoon or someone from a book and I choose Effie from the Hunger Games*.  I didn’t share with my roomie who I was going to be because we are both HUGE fans of the books and I wanted it to be a surprise so I kept it a secret even though she kept begging for me to tell her (might I add it is extremely hard for me to keep a secret, ask my husband I always tells him what he is getting for Christmas like a week before).  Well, I held this secret for weeks!!  I even recruited my friend, who does AMAZING make-up, I mean I went all out!  I even bought make-up, hair things and nail polish which was hard for me.  Anyway, it took us 2 ½ hours to get all done up and I looked great!!  Not exactly like how she looks in the movie but we put our own spin on it which makes it fun.  I was driving over and people were staring at me (see Facebook pictures) but I kept telling myself it was worth it because it was going to make my friend happy.  So I finally get there and there were some other party goers arriving at the same time and none of them knew who I was but I just figured they haven’t read the books so it was ok.  I made my way to the door and I busted and was in the Ta-Da stance and she had this blank stare on her face.  FAIL.  She had no idea who I was and by this time everyone at the party had stopped because I was the only one with stage makeup on to stare and try to figure out who I was. CRICKET.  I am sure you have experienced this before also with like a movie or something.  You talk this movie up at work and then when everyone finally gets together to watch it and you are cracking up but you are the only one.  It’s always so weird when that happens, I mean what do you do?  I informed them of who I was attempting to be and I think they gave me the pity “Oh yeah….” You all know what I am talking about.  Next time I don’t think I should be so outside the box :x  Good thing I am so use to people staring at my face and looking confused… I get that a lot….. So moral of the story, ask the excitement level of the event so you are not the one who looks like a super freak when everyone else looks less freakish. 

*the Hunger Games….. all you need to know is that you need to read it…no seriously stop whatever you are doing right now and go buy all 3 books, you will be glad you did*

Things to Do to Entertain Yourself at the Office

I have recently made the transition to office life and I am learning sometimes there is a ton of stuff to do while other times there is absolutely nothing to do.  I have been coming up with things to entertain myself/keep myself  busy as I SLOWLY inch closer to quitting time (5pm).  I decided to share my discoveries for the sake of all the other office people out there who are staring at the little clock in the corner of their computer screen, literally watching the seconds tick by.  Depending on where you work or what kind of work you do, some of these might not be possible in your work setting so please proceed with caution.  Also, I would like to throw out this disclaimer, when one is wasting time at work it is very important to do it secretly so if you get caught and fired, it’s not my fault…..

Things to do at Work to Pass the Time:

1.       Actually do your work, I know this sounds straight forward but I recommend doing this before you goof around, might help your case if your boss does catch you

2.       Stalk people on Facebook, I had to put this on the list cuz everyone does it, don’t deny it

3.       Write a letter to your grandma, they always love to hear from their grandchildren

4.       Watch Hulu or Netflix **super caution**  someone I know who does this, cough cough, leaves the mouse pointer on the pause button so if she hears someone coming she just clicks pause real click like nothing is going on…..

5.       Read something you have been meaning to read for a long time

6.       Make a paper clip chain out of every single paperclip you can find in the office

7.       Take paper clip chain apart

8.       Separate paper clips by color and size

9.       Organize your desk

10.   EAT!!

11.   Create a budget for yourself, if you decide to take on this idea be sure to set aside a lot of time because it takes a while to figure out how to stretch your $50 to cover $293846558 in bills

12.   Text people

13.   Write a blog…..

14.   Take up origami, this one is great cuz not only does it keep your hands busy but it also decorates your desk

15.   Get into couponing, there are a ton of websites you can watch to save some money!

16.   Watch movie trailers for upcoming movies

17.   Check Facebook again

18.   Clinch your butt cheeks together as tight as you can for as long as you can, this is your workout time

19.   Go through the videos on Youtube, email your favorite discoveries to people

20.   Find new recipes to try at home

21.   Start at one end of the cubicles, slowly walk past all of them while you crop dust then turn around to watch the fumes hit the people, it’s like the wave, a fart wave…

22.   Spin in your chair as fast as you possibly can

23.   See how long you can hold your breath

24.   Put a puzzle together

25.   Flick rubber bands at the person across from you

26.   Check Facebook

27.   Knit

28.   Glue your hands together with a glue stick, then once it dries pick all those white flakes off

29.   Write message on people’s lunches in the refrigerator

30.   Clean the Keurig coffee machine, which includes putting white vinegar in the machine, but “accidently” leave the ‘Do Not Use’ note off of the machine and see how many people drink vinegar coffee

31.   Throw a tissue into the air and keep blowing in it to keep it from hitting the floor, see how long you can keep it going

32.   Read the comics from the newspaper

33.   Get a slinky, play with it

34.   Create a flip book with a packet of post-its

35.   Get a head start on your Christmas shopping

36.   Read Hunger Games!!

37.   Bring in army figures and do a complete civil war re-enactment

38.   Take a rubber band, take a staple and fold in half, pull back rubber band and insert folded staple, shoot it at someone (this is called a hornet and it HURTS!! So watch out for pay back)

39.   Take your phone apart and clean out all the cross cracks, where the lint hides and it’s been there for a long time

40.    Check Facebook

This pretty much sums up the day of an office person……well some office people, some people actually work at work….. like me… I have never done ANY of these before….. none of them…. until next time…