This One Goes Out To All My Ladies

**Warning for the men- this blog will discuss some lady only topics, I am not saying you can’t read it I am just saying prepare yourself**

Alright ladies there are some things I need to get off my chest and yes this is in regards to everyone’s favorite time of the month, ladies time.  Now in my household we do not refer to it by its real name because that’s gross we call it ladies time.  We also do not refer to the ‘items by their real name either we mostly call those push pops (my husband invented that) but I have also heard them referred to as plungers, pooter plugs (this one is not accurate) mense mops, plug in, cotton pony, roadblock, rat-tail, vaginal vampires (lol), pig in a blanket, manhole covers, pink pop tarts, and the red carpet.  I personally think it is way more fun to call it something else then the obvious but then again I am 2 years old.  The whole reasoning behind this blog though was I noticed something the other day when I was cleaning out my bathroom cabinet, there are motivational sayings written on the outside wrapper of my push pops, seriously I am not kidding.  I don’t know why anyone would choose to write something there, we don’t buy them to read our fortune but after making this discovery I emptied the box onto the floor so I could read everything they had to say.  I found things like smile, life is a sport, always take the high road and shoot for the stars.  I feel bad for the marketing people who have had to stoop to the level of writing the quips for the tampon wrappers, times ARE hard!  Also, I would like to discuss another kind of wrapper I believe they are Kotex ones but those wrappers are like fluorescent bright colors!  Like the colors you would wear to the bowling alley on the nights they have the black lights on!  I mean come on really?  I don’t want the whole office to know I am on my ladies time because I don’t care what color pants you are wearing those colors will shine through anything!  Maybe the marketing team thought they would look like glow sticks or something but they failed!  Heres the deal, everyone knows about ladies time and we have all accepted it but nobody wants/ needs to know when it’s your ladies time because you are carrying a glow stick with you to the bathroom.  The best part about the glow stick plungers is that they are the small concealed kind, you know the ones where they are half the size so you can hide them in your pocket better…well ya failed design team because they might fit in your pocket better but the super bright colors might give them away. 

Men, why is it so terrifying to you to touch or even talk about lady items?  I asked my husband before we got married if I was at home sick or something and I needed some supplies if he would go to the store for me and you know what he said? He said he would text one of my lady friends to go get them for me.  Then I asked what was he going to do when our 13 year old daughter needed to go to the store for some, he replied he would pull up to the target and push her out of the car to go get some.  I don’t really understand why they are so afraid of them.  One time on a mission trip the boys snuck into our room and switched off our circuit breakers, well we went into their room and silly stringed all their stuff.  We knew they were going to retaliate so we decided to booby trap our room and we took all of our feminine supplies and threw them all over the room and man did it work!  The next time we saw them it was like they had seen a ghost!  Works every time!  So girls if there is only 1 cookie left and you don’t want your man to eat it just place it on a pad and you are golden!  Until next time…..

Red Headed Fail

Have you ever hyped something up so much and then when time came to reveal your surprise, it was a flop?  My old roomie threw a party for her birthday and it was a themed party, dress as your favorite red head.  You could be a movie character, cartoon or someone from a book and I choose Effie from the Hunger Games*.  I didn’t share with my roomie who I was going to be because we are both HUGE fans of the books and I wanted it to be a surprise so I kept it a secret even though she kept begging for me to tell her (might I add it is extremely hard for me to keep a secret, ask my husband I always tells him what he is getting for Christmas like a week before).  Well, I held this secret for weeks!!  I even recruited my friend, who does AMAZING make-up, I mean I went all out!  I even bought make-up, hair things and nail polish which was hard for me.  Anyway, it took us 2 ½ hours to get all done up and I looked great!!  Not exactly like how she looks in the movie but we put our own spin on it which makes it fun.  I was driving over and people were staring at me (see Facebook pictures) but I kept telling myself it was worth it because it was going to make my friend happy.  So I finally get there and there were some other party goers arriving at the same time and none of them knew who I was but I just figured they haven’t read the books so it was ok.  I made my way to the door and I busted and was in the Ta-Da stance and she had this blank stare on her face.  FAIL.  She had no idea who I was and by this time everyone at the party had stopped because I was the only one with stage makeup on to stare and try to figure out who I was. CRICKET.  I am sure you have experienced this before also with like a movie or something.  You talk this movie up at work and then when everyone finally gets together to watch it and you are cracking up but you are the only one.  It’s always so weird when that happens, I mean what do you do?  I informed them of who I was attempting to be and I think they gave me the pity “Oh yeah….” You all know what I am talking about.  Next time I don’t think I should be so outside the box :x  Good thing I am so use to people staring at my face and looking confused… I get that a lot….. So moral of the story, ask the excitement level of the event so you are not the one who looks like a super freak when everyone else looks less freakish. 

*the Hunger Games….. all you need to know is that you need to read it…no seriously stop whatever you are doing right now and go buy all 3 books, you will be glad you did*

Things to Do to Entertain Yourself at the Office

I have recently made the transition to office life and I am learning sometimes there is a ton of stuff to do while other times there is absolutely nothing to do.  I have been coming up with things to entertain myself/keep myself  busy as I SLOWLY inch closer to quitting time (5pm).  I decided to share my discoveries for the sake of all the other office people out there who are staring at the little clock in the corner of their computer screen, literally watching the seconds tick by.  Depending on where you work or what kind of work you do, some of these might not be possible in your work setting so please proceed with caution.  Also, I would like to throw out this disclaimer, when one is wasting time at work it is very important to do it secretly so if you get caught and fired, it’s not my fault…..

Things to do at Work to Pass the Time:

1.       Actually do your work, I know this sounds straight forward but I recommend doing this before you goof around, might help your case if your boss does catch you

2.       Stalk people on Facebook, I had to put this on the list cuz everyone does it, don’t deny it

3.       Write a letter to your grandma, they always love to hear from their grandchildren

4.       Watch Hulu or Netflix **super caution**  someone I know who does this, cough cough, leaves the mouse pointer on the pause button so if she hears someone coming she just clicks pause real click like nothing is going on…..

5.       Read something you have been meaning to read for a long time

6.       Make a paper clip chain out of every single paperclip you can find in the office

7.       Take paper clip chain apart

8.       Separate paper clips by color and size

9.       Organize your desk

10.   EAT!!

11.   Create a budget for yourself, if you decide to take on this idea be sure to set aside a lot of time because it takes a while to figure out how to stretch your $50 to cover $293846558 in bills

12.   Text people

13.   Write a blog…..

14.   Take up origami, this one is great cuz not only does it keep your hands busy but it also decorates your desk

15.   Get into couponing, there are a ton of websites you can watch to save some money!

16.   Watch movie trailers for upcoming movies

17.   Check Facebook again

18.   Clinch your butt cheeks together as tight as you can for as long as you can, this is your workout time

19.   Go through the videos on Youtube, email your favorite discoveries to people

20.   Find new recipes to try at home

21.   Start at one end of the cubicles, slowly walk past all of them while you crop dust then turn around to watch the fumes hit the people, it’s like the wave, a fart wave…

22.   Spin in your chair as fast as you possibly can

23.   See how long you can hold your breath

24.   Put a puzzle together

25.   Flick rubber bands at the person across from you

26.   Check Facebook

27.   Knit

28.   Glue your hands together with a glue stick, then once it dries pick all those white flakes off

29.   Write message on people’s lunches in the refrigerator

30.   Clean the Keurig coffee machine, which includes putting white vinegar in the machine, but “accidently” leave the ‘Do Not Use’ note off of the machine and see how many people drink vinegar coffee

31.   Throw a tissue into the air and keep blowing in it to keep it from hitting the floor, see how long you can keep it going

32.   Read the comics from the newspaper

33.   Get a slinky, play with it

34.   Create a flip book with a packet of post-its

35.   Get a head start on your Christmas shopping

36.   Read Hunger Games!!

37.   Bring in army figures and do a complete civil war re-enactment

38.   Take a rubber band, take a staple and fold in half, pull back rubber band and insert folded staple, shoot it at someone (this is called a hornet and it HURTS!! So watch out for pay back)

39.   Take your phone apart and clean out all the cross cracks, where the lint hides and it’s been there for a long time

40.    Check Facebook

This pretty much sums up the day of an office person……well some office people, some people actually work at work….. like me… I have never done ANY of these before….. none of them…. until next time…

Dating Advice: Farting Around Each Other

Let’s talk about a very important topic: farting.  Why are people ashamed to admit that they fart?  For example, I don’t understand these couples that don’t fart around each other.  I mean really guys?  I am a firm believer that the whole point of the dating process is to get to know each other, to let everything out (including farting).  I understand there is a certain amount of time that needs to go by before you let one rip in front of your partner (time span differs from couple to couple) but you can’t hold it in forever!  I didn’t go around letting them fly all the time when I was dating my husband, but after the allotted time frame we agreed on, if one slipped it was fine.  How do you establish this time frame you ask?  Number one it depends on the type of people involved, if you are introverted it will take much longer then for someone like me who is very extroverted.  Number 2 honestly I would say you have to test the waters, let one slip one time and see how your significant other reacts.  If they laugh you have broken the barrier and y’all can let them fly but if they give you the stink eye, you might want to wait a while longer.  I would like to offer a few words of caution to my readers:

1.       Don’t let your first fart around them be in front of anyone else, it needs to be just you and them who should experience this milestone together

2.       Don’t let it be a huge one or a baby one, let a medium size one slip, this way you’re not lying to them by letting a squeaker slip out and you don’t want to blow them away on the first time either

3.       DO NOT fart on them for your first time!!  This might of happened to someone I know…. Maybe….

4.       Don’t do it in an enclosed place, like a car or elevator, they need to have access to a fresh air source

5.       Do not fart where it is super-hot, that will intensify the smell, you are not trying to gage their reaction on the smell, save that for another day

I hope this helps those who have been struggling with this sensitive topic.  If this advice does not work for you and it causes a break up, I cannot be held responsible.  Be yourself around your significant other, especially if you think “this is the one”; don’t want to be accused of false advertisement so to speak.  Men, girls fart and no it does NOT smell like roses.  Ladies, its ok to fart around your men they will love you more for it....unless it is super pungent.  Until next time….

Mullet/ Rat Tail Encounter

I am not ashamed to share this experience with y'all but I am ashamed as to where it happened.  Like I said earlier, I will leave all of the names out of this for the safety/ dignity of others.  Yesterday was Sunday so naturally we went to church, and my twin joined us for the service which was nice.  Anyways, we were all sitting together, jamming out to the worship music when I noticed something and I could not tear my eyes away from it!!  I am going to describe this as best as I can…. It was a cross between a mullet and a rat tail, like if they had a baby this would be it but I don’t know what to call it.  A Multail?  A Ratlet?  Well, since we were in church I didn’t know how to react because normally I would share my findings with someone but I didn’t know what to do.  Finally, I turned to my twin and just stared at her and she looked at me and was like “yea I know!  I see it too!  What would you call that??” (This is why we are twins because we know what each other is thinking) Unfortunately, my time of worship was dampened because of said discovery; I was just baffled and couldn’t wrap my mind around what I had found.  This is what it must feel like for archeologists to discover something never seen before by man.  I had to see if this hair “style” had a name so I had to look it up so naturally I went to the soundest source I could find, Urban Dictionary.  Sadly I could not find anything because I didn’t know how to search for something I didn’t know the name of BUT I did find this list of alternative names for mullets.  Defiantly a worthy discovery!!  Here it is:

Ape Drape. Beaver Paddle. Bi - Level. Camero Cut. Buisness in the front, Party in the back. Canadian passport. Coupe Longveuil. El-camino. Hockey hair. Kentucky waterfall. Missouri compromise. Mudflap. Neckwarmer. Ranchero. Shlonc (short + long). Achy-breaky-bad-mistakey. Soccer rocker. Squirrel pelt. Tennessee top hat. Yep-nope.  

 I don’t know about y’all but this made my day!!  I am going to spend the rest of my time at work making up my own alternative names for mullets, you should too!  I will conclude today’s post with interesting mullet facts, until next time…..

·         Captain Planet had a green mullet, I had to look this one up and it was true

·         MacGyver had one but everyone knew that

·         Emo kids have a reverse mullet

·         Chuck Norris, but that’s where his power lies

·         The Hulk had a mullet

·         The bully from Camp Anawana had a ginger mullet

They claim popping your collar is what “killed” the mullet, the long portion would interfere with the collar so they had to choose, I don’t support popped collars but I think they made the right choice

The Incident at the Gym

I have officially been married for 100 days now so that makes me an expert on… nothing.  I got nothing.  I would like to say though, all the things that we heard before we got married like “money is the hardest” or “it’s a learning experience” are ALL TRUE!  I love being married please do not misunderstand me, we are just learning a bunch of new things.  For example, this whole money/ finance business is super dumb and I don’t want to do it anymore!!  We are both very laid back people so there has never been any fighting over anything like this (there probably will be before we die) so we just keep making new ways to attack the bills.  Well, it is my turn to give it an old college try and it really opened my eyes when I sat down and looked at where all the money was going.  I completely agree with whoever told us that we both need to be involved with the finances/ budgeting.  It also makes you think twice before you spend something.  While working my way through the bills and such, I saw that we were paying $53 a month for our gym membership.  I swore to myself that since we are paying that $53 a month I am going to get my $53 worth!!  So I went to the gym this morning at 6:30 and I rolled up in there ready to go!  I decided to get on the bike and do some cardio, there I could zone out and just do my thing.  Well, I got a little over-eager and picked the cardio program (this one changes the intensity until you reach your target heart rate).  I started pedaling and could feel the resistance getting stronger and I just thought this is no problem I could do this for 20 minutes, no sweat.  Well after about 4 minutes and the pedals kept getting harder to pedal I decided to change the program quickly before anyone noticed :x.  I went with the fat burner program which probably sounds harder but it’s not.  I then debated on whether or not to go and do free weights or the weight machines.  I decided to go and use the weight machines I mean how hard can they be right??  I basically jinxed myself.  I went to a machine which I have used before so I busted out 3 sets and decided to move on to one I have never used before. Feeling good and confident,  I adjusted the seat, got comfortable then looked for the diagram to show how to use the machine.  Well the diagram is a hologram…. Who ever thought of this was stupid!  Once sitting in the seat I could see figures #1 and #3 but #2 couldn’t be found.  I pretty much had to turn myself upside down to see the thing and to get it to move, I had to slide back and forth in the chair.  I basically had to do a workout to figure out how to use the thing!  You know as well as I do that people were staring at me trying to figure out what I was doing.  I never really figured out how to use the machine but I had already committed myself and I didn’t want to look like a complete idiot so I made something up.  I put my legs in it and moved them around a little bit, made some faces like I was straining.  I had to do 3 sets of 10 of these “exercises” or else people would think I was a pansy or something. (We both know no one was concerned with me and my workout, I just had to do it… mental block against being a pansy) I am sure the bodybuilder men who were working out across from me knew I was doing it wrong and would have a good laugh at my expense later, which is fine.  Moral of the story, stick with the machines you know how to use at the gym and if you don’t know how to use any, stick with the free weights.  I will say though this will not discourage me from trying again tomorrow I will just steer clear of the hologram machines.  I might not have gotten my $1.71 worth of working out today but at least I gave some people a good laugh (including myself) until next time…….

This is Why.... #1

I decided to create a mini-series that will occur ever so often throughout this blog called “This is Why”.  In this series I will explain why I feel a certain way about things or why things are the way they are.  So today kicks off the first ever “This is Why” series!

This is why sharks are the worst things in the world!  The other night my twin* and I were discussing movies and I mentioned a movie that had a lot of snakes in it.  She explained that she could not watch movies with a lot of snakes in them because they scare the poop out of her.  I shared with her that my mother shares the same extreme fear with snakes, she squeals and jumps around whenever there could possibly be one around.  My biggest fear is the ocean because I feel like you have no control out there and oh yea because of the sharks!  My twin then explains that if you are ever attacked in the ocean by a shark you are supposed to punch it in the face, which I have heard before but I am going to be honest I see a large number of flaws with this.  I mean think about it, say you see a shark swimming up towards you licking its lips:

1)      Is your first thought going to be man I am going to punch that guy right in the nose?  No you are probably peeing yourself while being eaten.

2)      You probably scream underwater, releasing all your air so you are going to have to swim away to get more air, resulting in your demise.

3)      Now say you do think about punching the shark, you really only have 2 chances (you only have 2 arms) You swing a “hard” (to be discussed in #4) punch at the shark but you’re in his element so he swerves and bites your arm off.  You only have one more chance!!  But I am betting that by the time he has snacked on your arm, the blood has attracted his friends/family over so you are screwed!

4)      Alright, as we all know from growing up and running around in the pool, we don’t move as fast in water as we do on land.  I am assuming that since our legs don’t move as fast then our arms wont either.  So, even if Holyfield punches a shark it won’t do as much damage as it would if the shark was on our turf aka land.

So I have come to a conclusion.  When I go to the gym, forget the cardio or the weights, I need to invest in some underwater weights.  Then I can submerge myself underwater to train myself to:

a)      hold my breath for hours

b)      be able to punch a hole in the side wall of the pool

c)       create a tourniquet out of my bathing suit to stop the bleeding if he does bite one of my arms off

Forget preparing for a zombie apocalypse, we are surrounded by water, which basically means the sharks are already circling us, literally!!  This is why sharks/ the ocean are the worst!  On land you can squish spiders or run from snakes but when you are in the ocean you are in their territory!!  Nothing is worse than finding yourself in shark gang turf!  So think carefully before getting into the ocean next time, is it worth all the hours of preparation beforehand so you can properly protect yourself?  I believe my point has been made.  Until next time….

*I decided not to use people’s real names in the blog but you will know who you are when I talk about you.